ASK SANDY

ASK SANDY

An Ask Sandy Question:

Hello! I have been in a relationship for two years. We communicate well, enjoy the same things, have great fun together....now the problem. After the first couple of months I could feel him withdrawing physically from me. He does not even like touch. If I hug him, I can feel him bracing...or cringing. He resents discussing it, but has told me that he goes through periods in his life where he totally loses his sex drive. (He is under a lot of stress with work.) He has never been a cuddly guy, and I can accept that, but this is a huge swing of the pendulum. I am an affectionate, touchy person. We are heading toward spending our lives together. Is it healthy to consider dealing with this? It feels like rejection to me, which I have great difficulty with. How do I feel attached to someone who feels more like a buddy or brother?

Dear Questioner,

While you and your partner are companionable in many ways, you definitely have a major problem here which, without intervention, should be a deal breaker.  That first blush of new love lasted only two months before your partner began to demonstrate symptoms of deeper emotional challenges which, while not necessarily about you, did and do support your feelings of unworthiness and rejection.  Your hope that you could successfully live with this situation is not well founded and is based on potentials that you want instead of a reality based look at what truly is.  That does not mean that you are not both good people, but these are serious problems that will only grow worse.  You are both carrying and reflecting baggage that makes the odds of a long-term, joyous, and successful relationship together almost nil.

Can you do anything about this?  Absolutely, provided you are both willing to (preferably with an excellent counselor) examine the problems.  There is an underlying emotional issue that causes him to withdraw, and it is an issue which predates you.  There is also undoubtedly an underlying emotional acceptance of your value that causes you to be willing to be in a situation in which you are on a regular basis being treated in a way that makes you feel untreasured.  Your self-esteem and empowerment as a woman needs some work.  Sacrificing pieces of yourself in order to hold on to a relationship is never a wise choice.  You need to reach a point where you can set healthier boundaries on what you are and are not willing to accept.  This doesn’t mean that either one of you is the “bad guy.”  But you are mirrors to each other, and some parts of those mirrors have big cracks that require repair. 

I encourage you and your boyfriend to explore ways in which you can celebrate yourselves and each other in all ways before you make any permanent commitments.

Bottom line:  Never marry potential.  Let potential develop and then marry it.  I talk about this in greater depth in my book, Pursuit of Light, An Extraordinary Journey.

Please know how much I wish you well in finding the courage to fully believe in you, to trust your ability to create a joy-filled life, and to find healthy resolution in what you need to do regarding your relationship.  Thinking it’s going to get better without joint effort, is not realistic.

There is an amazing spirit within you that is so worth you going for the “whole enchilada.”  The same is true for your partner.

With love and light,

Sandy Brewer

www.PursuitOfLight.com

An Ask Sandy Question

An Ask Sandy question:

Lydia writes:

I read your book, Pursuit of Light, An Extraordinary Journey…I couldn’t put it down actually.  Every part of your story reached out to me and each chapter left me more and more empowered.  My father died after a long illness while he was still in his twenties and my 24 year old mother was left with four children to raise on her own.  We were all traumatized.  I am the oldest.  I have some “blanks” in my childhood memories, but have done a tremendous amount of work on myself.  My transformation has been physical, spiritual and emotional.  Still, there is an underlying anxiety that lives in my guts, and I have to fight hard not to fall back into old addictions and cravings.  I am successful in that, but it is often not easy.  I am a mother, a wife and a licensed clinical social worker, and my goal is to always learn more and give more.

Dear Lydia,

The problem of incomplete memories that you discussed is a challenge not because it's specifically necessary to remember everything, but because the blocked memories, in fact all experiences, involve frequencies – think radio waves – and the way the brain records them.  When the anxiety churns your stomach, what is actually getting triggered is an unconscious connector or frequency which has been hard wired into your system as an old identity – a place of emptiness/incompleteness/not enough-ness.  In that hard-wiring there is a defense or survival mechanism that in the past provided a temporary anesthetic to cover the underlying emotion from which you were trying to protect yourself.  Being aware that the craving is based on an unconscious connection to an old point of view about yourself can be helpful.  Remember, it isn't necessary – although it can be helpful – to identify what the emotion is, but it is always essential to re-identify what the craving/distraction means.  It is your body responding to an old idea about you that is not now and never was true.

What’s a greater thought about you?  Think it!  Better yet, work towards feeling it.

Know that you are the observer and that all frequency/energy at its core is neutral. 

It was a difficult choice for me to write the parts of my book which reference the past as raw and authentically as I did because I was aware it could inspire many, but also trigger unresolved things in some.  Yet the subtlety of writing it this way was to offer a model for not sanitizing one's experiences, but releasing and transcending them through a greater recognition and wisdom.  It's never about needing to over analyze or over revisit the past.  And it is never about pain and suffering.  But to consistently back away from the energy and scenarios that represent our past is to live in fear of that frequency which will then find a way to take form and rattle our little cages in the now!  We don't change our lives or our world by sanitizing the past or cruel and challenging conditions.  We create change by gaining strength, courage, wisdom, and conviction through looking the situation (or frequency) in the eye and insisting that it does not name us.  For indeed, unless we say so, it does not.  As you know, wherever it is that we have been pales in comparison to the core of who we are today.

Love,

Sandy

www.pursuitoflight.com

I invite you to see my Videos

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ayq7YbJBYe4

I invite you to see my book review that was presented by KUSI News

San Diego

and reviewed by Anntoinette Kuritz.

 

http://www.kusi.com/news/goodmorning/15983977.html?video=YHI&t=a

 

 

 

Find A Finger, Try Not to Point It

                                                        Sandy Brewer, 4-15-08

In this current 24/7 political news-cycle world of “he said, she said” it’s amazing that we haven’t all gone mad.  But it is a perfect snapshot of a dysfunctional family/relationship, and how to abdicate personal responsibility.

Republican or Democrat, Libertarian or Independent, how we live our personal lives will reflect in our public ones.  We don’t have to be featured on MSNBC or CNN, our even any of the morning shows to have established our true values and to take personal responsibility for our choices.

If I want a relationship, I have to take responsibility – not blame – for the ways in which I have used relationships to reflect my doubts, self-esteem that is too low, arrogance that is too high, desperation which automatically disempowers.  I could always blame the other guy for my current situations; I could continue to be upset about every jerk I’ve ever dated (it couldn’t have been me, could it?); or I could go all pundit clone and relentlessly play the irritating and irresponsible “he said/she said” card.

Here are the real facts.  If you want your future to be different than your past, you have to be willing to change the way you respond to situations and circumstances in the now.  If you’ve been dating – or marrying – jerks, you have to be willing to comprehend how your choices are a mirror of your own doubts, judgments, and self-esteem.  We all have the power to choose, and we all have the power to change.

Or we could just run for political office and practice our finger pointing.

Sandy Brewer, Author, Pursuit of Light, an Extraordinary Journey

www.PursuitOfLight.com 

Welcome To The Ask Sandy Blog! An Introduction!

Welcome everyone to Ask Sandy, the official web blog of the PursuitofLight.com. 

We welcome your questions and thank you for your participation.  We cannot guarantee she will be able to answer every individual question submitted but she will endeavor to answer the specific themes of questions that are posted.
We respect your privacy and your email address will not be shared with anyone nor will it be shown with your question.  If you prefer that your name not be used, please tell us and we will honor that commitment.

www.PursuitOfLight.com

Inspirational Thought..

My sojourn, and I invite you to consider it for yourself, is to remember that the darkness is a part of the light, but it can never fully obscure it.  To search out that light every day--and if I don't find it today, to be doubly determined to discover it tomorrow.  To let the wisdom of the laughing Buddha have voice in me.

With blessings of love and light,

Sandy Brewer

www.pursuitoflight.com

Inside Job

Dear Friends,

  When you think in terms of going inside yourself, where's inside? Is it in you head, your heart, your soul, the universe? The true "inside" is in the realm of the nonphysical. A realm not limited to time and space. It's the field of energy or frequency from which all form ultimately emerges. It's the sensation of pulsing with the invisible, with the source of life that is the source of you and of me, that "non-place place" that contains the metaphoric embryonic fluid from which all life manifests. It is the truest field of dreams. Going inside means to remove our focus from the external. We shift our attention from the situation or perceived problem, and we connect with the dream of the possible. Not by looking into our physical world first, but by becoming congruent with the feeling/vibration of our potential. It's all right there – right in the middle of nowhere. Right in the middle of now here.

  It's the birthplace of resolution. Going inside is getting quiet enough to immerse so thoroughly that the physical seems to fall way. Then, with a fresh canvas, we can create a new reality, a new potential for ourselves, our lives, and our world. Whether we're problem solving or simply reconnecting to the beauty of all that is, always engage the inside – the spiritual, non-physical side of ourselves - first, and bring that renewed and revitalized awareness into our external world.

 

  Remember it takes two for war and one for peace. Be at peace with yourself, bring that attitude into your world, and you will find all things so much easier, so much more peaceful, and definitely more fun.

 

  May this day be filled for you with the limitless bounty of the inner planes, manifested through you in your physical world!

Love,

Sandy

www.PursuitofLight.com

Forgiveness

Dear Friends,

  Forgiveness must come from the heart and not the head. When I can look at that part of my life and those that did me wrong and be able to say ‘between you and me there is peace now, because you no longer have the power over me to control my thoughts or my feelings or my life’.

  Many people perpetuate the negative feelings they have about their past. They are unable to forgive the ones that hurt them, choosing instead to remember the past. Not only do they blame their tormenters, but they blame themselves, as well.

  Forgiveness is the proactive force needed to find the peace you seek in your life. Without forgiveness, your life is locked in a dark place often leading to depression or drug dependency. Forgive the people who have hurt you. Make the choice to leave the past in the past. They no longer have control over what you do, how you think, or the choices you make. Your life is your own. Most importantly, forgive yourself. Throughout your life, you believed you were to blame for the torment you suffered. That is a common feeling for an abused child, but as an adult, you must realize you were not to blame. Discover your self-worth and know that you are deserving of love and fulfillment.

  Allow your heart to tell you it is okay, taking forgiveness to the next level. Help yourself grow beyond your past, be kind to yourself and do not judge.

Love,

Sandy

www.PursuitOfLight.com

Chioce: An Introduction from PURSUIT OF LIGHT

An Introduction Excerpt from the Best-selling Memoir, Pursuit of Light, An Extraordinary Journey. 

Dear Friends,

  "Life is about choice.

  "Victor Frankl lost his family and freedom in the Holocaust. Yet, in the midst of that horror, he discovered within himself an emotional perspective – an attitude or core awareness – that sustained him through his darkest hours. He chose that new attitude and managed to survive both physically and emotionally. He changed the way he viewed what was happening to him, and with that shift created a new emotional reality. He saw and experienced himself greater than his circumstance. So great was his internal change – the way he viewed his reality – that when he emerged from the hell of a concentration camp, he established a second family and founded the branch of psychiatry known today as existentialism. Now that’s an attitudinal shift!

  "Like Victor Frankl, we all must choose. Choice requires picking a point of view and understanding that one inherently has the capacity to do so. It is a birthright that we all need to claim. In fact, consciously choosing is imperative because once any individual changes a point of view, that person also changes his or her reality. Contrary to popular opinion, reality is not carved in stone. It’s based on personal opinion. That’s how three people can be in the same room at the same time, dialoguing on the same subject, and yet be experiencing three different realities all based on the exact same factual data. Simply put, personal reality – or how one experiences what we call reality – is not limited to a narrow definition of the facts, but rather the way one emotionally experiences them.

  "The secret to establishing a sense of joy, possibility and freedom is pretty basic: dissolve the attachment to pain and suffering.

  "No, the facts don’t have to change. But attitudes do.

  "Personal reality is created by personal attitude. Bottom line? Attitude – the way we frame the conversations in our head – is everything."  © 2007, Sandy Brewer, Pursuit of Light, An Extraordinary Journey.

Love,

Sandy

www.PursuitOfLight.com

Welcome To The Ask Sandy Blog! An Introduction!

Welcome everyone to Ask Sandy, the official web blog of the PursuitofLight.com. 

We welcome your questions and thank you for your participation.  We cannot guarantee she will be able to answer every individual question submitted but she will endeavor to answer the specific themes of questions that are posted.
We respect your privacy and your email address will not be shared with anyone nor will it be shown with your question.  If you prefer that your name not be used, please tell us and we will honor that commitment.

www.PursuitOfLight.com

Mary Margaret...I Loved Her

Pursuit of Light:  An Extrorodinary Journey

Mary Margaret was a light unto herself and to everyone in her world. I loved her. She was already dealing with cancer when we first met in 1980.  Here is an excerpt about her – and us – from my book, Pursuit of Light:  An Extraordinary Journey .

Love,

Sandy

It wasn't long before Mary Margaret got more bad news. The cancer had now spread to her liver. She cried and so did I. She asked me if I had any ideas that might help her remember that she lives past death.

"Tonight, go out and look at the night sky," I said. "Hone in on the most brilliant star you can see. Keep looking at it until it blurs out of sight. And when it does, focus on the space between the stars. That deep, dark, all-encompassing midnight blue. It is the womb of all that is – the glue that holds everything together. Every star, every galaxy and planet, every sunrise and sunset, every being that ever was or ever will be exists within the space between the stars.

"Mary Margaret, my dear, we can forget that it exists or we can remember it, but we can't actually fall out of the belly of God no matter how hard we try."  © 2007, Sandy Brewer, Pursuit f Light, An Extraordinary Journey

www.PursuitOfLight.com