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Question:

Sandy,
I am a mother of 4. A daughter (27), identical twin boys(17) and another son (15) My son Greg was diagnosed with cancer last summer. Relapsed Nov. 15, Nov. 30 my mother passed away. Greg and I went out of state the beginning of January this year. He had a bone morrow transplant with identical twins marrow. He relapsed in the middle of transplant. My employer of 9 years called while we were in Flordia and told me my FMLA had expired and I was terminated. My son was able to come home for 2 weeks and passed away March 6 of this year. I am still going through much grief and missing my son so much. Our lives has changed. He is on my mind 24-7. His twin is doing amazingly good. He is not the same but doing great. He meditates, speaks so much of the things you speak of. That we create our life. He left the other day and one of his books was laying outside his door. I feel Greg put it there for me to read on this subject. Greg said he most certainly did not put it there. He had just left to go to a friends 2 hours away and always locks his door. He says when I realize nothing is a coincident and make everything that is negative into a positive.  How do I make my sons death into something positive without giving up his memory? I hope I am making sense. Sorry about the rambling. I do want to check out your book.

God Bless. 

Susan

ANSWER:

Dearest Susan,

Please accept my love and support for you.  You have so many things to deal with all at the same time, the biggest of which is, of course, the death of your beloved son.  Compounded by the loss of your mother, and the unfair treatment you received from your employer, it would be easy to rail against the Universe and everything in it.  Yet, as you know, that does nothing to truly relieve your pain and help you to restart your life.  The journey is an internal one.  The two most important things to remember at this point are that your son still lives, albeit on another plane, and to reconnect to the joy of love -- your love for him, his love for you, and the time you did get to spend together.

Let's tackle the "your son still lives" point of view first.  Think of the different dimensions on which we experience life as like a fan.  When the fan is off, the blades are solid and we can see them clearly.  But when the fan is turned on, while we know the blades are still there, we can see right through them as though they weren't.  So it is with your beautiful Greg.   He has not ceased to exist -- how do you think that book might have gotten to your door? -- but Greg does move at a different vibration.  Sort of like the faster speed of the fan.  He didn't leave to hurt you, but in his leaving he offered great potential for learning and loving to those who are the most dear to him.  What you as a mom must do is let go of the sensory perception and projection of empty, aching arms.  Wow -- I know that is hard.  But if you hold on to the inner story that the only way you can continue to know Greg is in the physical form, you will always ache.  He's here, he's just vibrating so fast you can't see him.  He is not hurting, he does not live in regret, and he knows you have the capacity and heart to heal and to ultimately pay that healing forward.  He's just moving/vibrating to fast for you to see him with your physical eyes.  If you can let go of the idea that you can only be fulfilled through physical touch, you will sense him with your heart, and see him with your inner eyes.  You'll see his eyes twinkle, and with your inner ears, hear his laugh -- not just as they were before, but as they are now.

He's one of your angels, now, and he will linger with you while you reconstruct your life and move forward.  Then he will shine through your every action of love and possibilities.  Once we are truly able to see our loved one in a new light (thus the name of my book, Pursuit of Light) the pain of love will fall away and the joy of love will return.  And, Susanl, what I have learned in my life is that once it does, it will stay.

You have the right to be drawn into the war of fair and unfair.  From one point of view so much has been unfair.  But I encourage not to engage that fruitless fight.  Turn toward what will work.  Just as you watched over your son for his years here, he now watches over you with love and light.  Connect with this truth and remember the book!  Once you let go of the idea that there is only one way to experience your love for him and his love for you, I bet you will start to experience other little quirky things you haven't been noticing.  When you do, give Greg a hug with you mind and express your expanding wisdom and love through those who are still with you in physical form.  That's how we remember the joy of love.

May you, while you are in this body, know healing and peace at their deepest levels.  I know that you are so worth this effort on your behalf.

With love and blessings to you always,

Sandy Brewer

www.PursuitOfLight.com

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Question:

I am going through something tough for me, it might not sound like it but it is for me. I started working at a restaurant and that was my first ever job and by the third week I had a relationship with a man named Butch who was 29 and one of the managers and at the time I was 16, well we had been sexually involved at work... About 3 months into our relationship there were two new girls named Joy and they both love drama, well Butch knew this and he started flirting with them and they found out about him and I but he denied it and told them I was talking trash about them...which I wasn't to tell you the truth I was scared of them. Well we had been together for 7 months when I finally broke it off, the stress was too much for me to handle. My parents didn't know about this but a few of my friends did and they were always telling me to get away from him but I ignored them. My parents finally found out and they made me make a report on him and it killed me to do so. Because I felt like I was betraying him, because I wanted to be with him. I know now that he manipulated me, but I still feel bad about it and now I'm going to have to go to court over this and I want do anything to get out of it, drugs anything. I want to cut so bad but I cant because people will see. I had to see this family advocate person and she said I am repressing this incident, and I think it's true right now, except I'm still in denial about it. It's too much to explain in one setting, can you ask me questions on the things you want me to go into details with because I cant do this.

Dear Questioner,

Sixteen and seventeen are very vulnerable ages.  It's that twilight zone between full adulthood and child.  So, what I am going to say may be hard to hear, but I promise you, it is the truth.

"Butch" was almost twice your age when he began an illicit relationship with someone he was supposed to be mentoring and guiding at work.  Instead of choosing appropriate and responsible behavior both personally and professionally, he conned you.  He used his words and his charm to use you, and had no problem throwing you under the bus both with his illicit behavior and flirting with his next targets.  He may still be trying to use his words to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and guilty.  Please know that none of this is you fault.  You were used by someone who is more than old enough to know better. 

It's hard at your age -- it can be hard at any age! -- to see people as they are, not as you want them to be.  This man, that part of you wants so much to protect, actually has the heart of a predator.  You want to remember the moments that felt good, but you need to remember that he is undeveloped emotionally.  Instead of developing personal awareness and personal responsibility, he resorted to manipulation, which by definition means he is a liar.

Please know that what you are being asked to do takes a lot of courage, and yet, I believe you have courage.  If you didn't report him, you would not have been has last underage victim.  In this, your moment of courage, you are doing three amazing and invaluable things:  1.  you are taking a stand for you, even though it is an emotionally hard thing to do.  Years from now -- especially when you have your own daughter -- you will be so proud of you for taking this stand;  2.  you are protecting other girls from the infliction of pain and conflict he is so clearly willing to impose on young and vulnerable girls; and 3.  by forcing him into some level of accountability, he will have the opportunity to use the experience to grow if he has the desire to do so.

You, too, can use this experience to grow, and to deepen your ability to nurture and love yourself.  Difficult as it is, trust your parents on this one.  Guys like "Butch" do not behave this with way with only one girl.  If you do not already have a counselor and your parents can afford one, please go to a good one who can guide you through this.  If finances are an issue, please check with your church, school, or community for available resources.  A good school counselor can be invaluable.  Hopefully, your parents can help you identify these resources.

Close your eyes for a moment and look ahead a year.  Then look back and see how far you have come.  See yourself no longer hurting and fully healed from this experience.  See yourself strong and healthy and proud!  Whatever your personal belief systems are, know that in the Mind of God -- in the Presence of all that we truly are, your success and your healing are already a done deal!

Blessings and love,

Sandy

www.pursuitoflight.com

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Question:

How do I know if there is hope for my husband, who is an alcoholic, with an anger control problem, and has threatened my life a year ago. He is trying to change on his own. But, he never would have if I wouldn't have been able to call 911 and had him put in jail (he is in Drug Court) right now,so he is out of jail with his charges remanded unless he messes up again. They charged him with "convicted felon with a firearm -he had a felony record for having 3 DUI's, kidnapping, and aggravated assault) He is randomly tested for alcohol and has to attend 3 AA meetings a week. I love him and still see the good in him, but he is still very controlling and I find it very hard to trust him.He is 40years old and I'm 45.We have been married 5 yrs. and truly happy for only 6 months, when he didn't drink at all. I have three grown children, with whom he is very jealous of. Also, they don't want to be around him for what he's done to me. I am his fourth wife. I guess I am asking if you think he might have a personality disorder that can't be changed this late in life, or should I put my faith in him once again, and give him a chance?

Dear Questioner,

My heart goes out to you -- and yes, even to your husband.  I hope he finds and follows healing advice.  But you are not in charge of that.  He is. 

What you have to do, my dear, is deal with things as they are.  I have a point of view that says, "Never marry potential.  Let potential develop and then marry it."  You married what you hoped your husband could be or sustain, not what and how he actually is.  You are letting yourself be controlled by his addiction and emotional problems.  In other words, his lack of emotional healing and maturity cause him to need to control you in order for him to be okay or safe.  That is a condition he may or may not choose to recognize and take care of.   In the meantime, it is essential that you learn a healthier way of taking care of you.  Please remember how very much you are worth your own effort.

As a minimum, you need to be in Al-Anon and CODA (Co-Dependants Anonymous).  These meetings are free and you will find them valuable, in part because you will find you are not alone.  If you are able to afford it, good counseling would be very beneficial.  Learning how to empower yourself as a woman will change your life.  If you haven't already done so, please check my website, www.PursuitOfLight.com.   There are many articles and interviews available there at no cost.  I also hope you have had a chance to read my book, Pursuit Of Light, An Extraordinary Journey.  The purpose of the book is to demonstrate the power of choice and that no matter where we have been it pales in comparison to core of who we are today.  If you cannot afford the hard cover book or the e-book, please let me know.  I will see that you get the e-book.

I know that your future can be so much better than your past.  This potential, however, only develops when we have the courage to make changes in our now.

With love and blessings for you always,

Sandy

www.pursuitoflight.com

An Ask Sandy Question

Question:

Where will I meet my twin flame?

Dear Questioner,

In your heart.  All things desired come from within first.  So, your acceptance of manifesting the connection you desire, comes first from connecting with yourself and your spirit, and then manifests into form.  Remember, the principle of the quantum field, more commonly referred to today as the Law of Attraction:  That which you are seeking is seeking you.

Keep the faith, hold your intention, follow your dream.

With love and light,

Sandy 

www.pursuitoflight.com

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Question:

A woman took my hand and placed her arm around my waist(she made the first move)and I responded by doing the same and then going one step further by kissed her on the forehead. We have been speaking and flirting ever since. Now here is my question, I want to get to know her better and yet I am semi blocked from going any further ... how do get over this semi block and where should I take her out with the goal of building a friendship first and the usual deeping feelings left to develop at a natural pace. Please reply as quickly as you can.

Dear Questioner,

The best relationships have a strong friendship in their foundation.  My advice?   Be yourself at all times, but be willing to allow things to develop at a natural pace.  My adage always is "if you want to go farther faster, slow down."  It's the equivalent of emotional money in the bank!  Perhaps your "block" is because you're over-thinking and trying to peak around the corner to see what will happen instead of letting this budding friendship/relationship be where it is today and allowing tomorrow to reveal itself.  When creating a relationship we get to choose what we want, not who it's going to be.  The "who" has to be a mutual choice.  You are a magnet.  That which you are seeking is seeking you!  Trust that truth, relax on this one, and enjoy the ride!

May you know countless blessings of love and light,

Sandy

www.pursuitoflight.com

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Question:

So tell me, what do you suggest individuals who work in a "daily" hostile environment do. It is very hard to stay positive with dealing with mean arrogant people all day long. I think many individuals who read your blog can relate.
I suffered injuries to my cervical and lumbar spine on the job. Since then it has been HELL to deal with both management, my chronic pain, and co-workers who just do not relate ..... not until they too are injured."

Dear Questioner:

First of all, please accept my support for the courage and tenacity it takes to keep moving forward in difficult times.  The challenge/opportunity of being in a "daily hostile environment," is to begin by not looking for support from people and places that have demonstrated that they don't have much if any to give.  It's like consistently going to the hardware store for oranges - you're just not going to find them there.  So every time you look to your co-workers to understand what you are going through, you are actually setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.  That's where the "dance" has to shift.  You hold the power for this shift, because it will be you creating a new way of thinking that will create a new reality for you.  What you experience as their insensitivity and perhaps even cruelty, will no longer reflect who and how you are.  And I know that it's not fair, but I also know that what you are doing isn't working and is causing you more pain.  It's hard to let go of the "fair and unfair" perspective - it was hard for me to learn that - but you already have courage, and I would rather see you focus on what will work instead of what doesn't work even when it's unfair.

Don't resist that something is unfair - put it on the proverbial table - and then know that you get to choose what you want to do about it.  Make the courageous and self-loving choice to let it go.  It's okay that the hardware store isn't selling oranges this week.  There's a good chance they won't sell them next week, either.  Then look to other options for support.  Is there a pain support group in your area or on the Internet?  If finances are a challenge, do any of your local hospitals offer free pain-management classes?  It's not necessarily that you will find new answers, but you may find more compassionate companions.  Honor yourself and your journey.  Give yourself the caring support and respect you deserve.  Don't give up.  Keep checking the latest in physical therapies and alternative possibilities.  Stay abreast of integrative medicine and what they're doing re:  pain management. 

And, oh, by the way, did I mention honor yourself?  Please do so.  Yours is clearly not an easy road at this time.  Honor yourself - it's the opening to self-love.  Give this to you, keep checking for support groups, trust that the core of who you are (the Spirit of all that you are) has not abandoned you.  Surround yourself as much as possible with positive thoughts, positive books and words (even on a bad day!) and positive people.  Before you know it, you will be surrounded with baskets of oranges!

Know that you have my respect and support for healing in your body and the peace and joy you certainly deserve.

Blessings and love,

Sandy Brewer

Author Pursuit of Light, An Extraordinary Journey

www.PursuitOfLight.com

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AN ASK SANDY QUESTION:

May 5, 2008 - 9:01:03 AM
Sue : Writes

I'm new to this whole self-improvement field. I've half-written my own e-book for people who suddenly find themselves disabled - from my own 15 year experience of going through disability myself - how do I know that my book will be effective? How did you know that you would have an impact on thousands of people? Thank you for your time.

Dear Sue,

Because everything actually begins as a frequency -- which initially becomes a resonance within us -- we are always broadcasting forth "seeds."  These seeds are based on our intention in the moment.  I believe your intention with your book is to offer first hand data and support to those who are having to walk in a similar pathway.  You are feeling the draw to do this from your mind and your heart, and I encourage you to follow through.  The truth is we never know exactly where our seeds will take root.  How do I know that I've had an impact on so many people?  Because as a speaker, therapist, author and advocate, I've been in the business of helping people for well over thirty years, which has allowed me the privilege of teaching and supporting others and knowing their lives have changed.

But I do not do my work for the accolades or the applause.  I do it because my heart, spirit and passion draw me to.

Follow your heart, Sue.  Hardship is not easy and is, as you know, a courageous journey.  But it also offers an opportunity to develop deep compassion, love, wisdom, and joy.  How do I know that?  Because I have lived it.  I go into the "how to's" of that journey much more deeply in my book Pursuit Of Light, An Extraordinary Journey. 

I wish you well in all things -- and in my mind, I see your e-book as a done deal!

Blessings and Light,

Sandy 

www.pursuitoflight.com

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An Ask Sandy Question:

Hello! I have been in a relationship for two years. We communicate well, enjoy the same things, have great fun together....now the problem. After the first couple of months I could feel him withdrawing physically from me. He does not even like touch. If I hug him, I can feel him bracing...or cringing. He resents discussing it, but has told me that he goes through periods in his life where he totally loses his sex drive. (He is under a lot of stress with work.) He has never been a cuddly guy, and I can accept that, but this is a huge swing of the pendulum. I am an affectionate, touchy person. We are heading toward spending our lives together. Is it healthy to consider dealing with this? It feels like rejection to me, which I have great difficulty with. How do I feel attached to someone who feels more like a buddy or brother?

Dear Questioner,

While you and your partner are companionable in many ways, you definitely have a major problem here which, without intervention, should be a deal breaker.  That first blush of new love lasted only two months before your partner began to demonstrate symptoms of deeper emotional challenges which, while not necessarily about you, did and do support your feelings of unworthiness and rejection.  Your hope that you could successfully live with this situation is not well founded and is based on potentials that you want instead of a reality based look at what truly is.  That does not mean that you are not both good people, but these are serious problems that will only grow worse.  You are both carrying and reflecting baggage that makes the odds of a long-term, joyous, and successful relationship together almost nil.

Can you do anything about this?  Absolutely, provided you are both willing to (preferably with an excellent counselor) examine the problems.  There is an underlying emotional issue that causes him to withdraw, and it is an issue which predates you.  There is also undoubtedly an underlying emotional acceptance of your value that causes you to be willing to be in a situation in which you are on a regular basis being treated in a way that makes you feel untreasured.  Your self-esteem and empowerment as a woman needs some work.  Sacrificing pieces of yourself in order to hold on to a relationship is never a wise choice.  You need to reach a point where you can set healthier boundaries on what you are and are not willing to accept.  This doesn’t mean that either one of you is the “bad guy.”  But you are mirrors to each other, and some parts of those mirrors have big cracks that require repair. 

I encourage you and your boyfriend to explore ways in which you can celebrate yourselves and each other in all ways before you make any permanent commitments.

Bottom line:  Never marry potential.  Let potential develop and then marry it.  I talk about this in greater depth in my book, Pursuit of Light, An Extraordinary Journey.

Please know how much I wish you well in finding the courage to fully believe in you, to trust your ability to create a joy-filled life, and to find healthy resolution in what you need to do regarding your relationship.  Thinking it’s going to get better without joint effort, is not realistic.

There is an amazing spirit within you that is so worth you going for the “whole enchilada.”  The same is true for your partner.

With love and light,

Sandy Brewer

www.PursuitOfLight.com

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An Ask Sandy question:

Lydia writes:

I read your book, Pursuit of Light, An Extraordinary Journey…I couldn’t put it down actually.  Every part of your story reached out to me and each chapter left me more and more empowered.  My father died after a long illness while he was still in his twenties and my 24 year old mother was left with four children to raise on her own.  We were all traumatized.  I am the oldest.  I have some “blanks” in my childhood memories, but have done a tremendous amount of work on myself.  My transformation has been physical, spiritual and emotional.  Still, there is an underlying anxiety that lives in my guts, and I have to fight hard not to fall back into old addictions and cravings.  I am successful in that, but it is often not easy.  I am a mother, a wife and a licensed clinical social worker, and my goal is to always learn more and give more.

Dear Lydia,

The problem of incomplete memories that you discussed is a challenge not because it's specifically necessary to remember everything, but because the blocked memories, in fact all experiences, involve frequencies – think radio waves – and the way the brain records them.  When the anxiety churns your stomach, what is actually getting triggered is an unconscious connector or frequency which has been hard wired into your system as an old identity – a place of emptiness/incompleteness/not enough-ness.  In that hard-wiring there is a defense or survival mechanism that in the past provided a temporary anesthetic to cover the underlying emotion from which you were trying to protect yourself.  Being aware that the craving is based on an unconscious connection to an old point of view about yourself can be helpful.  Remember, it isn't necessary – although it can be helpful – to identify what the emotion is, but it is always essential to re-identify what the craving/distraction means.  It is your body responding to an old idea about you that is not now and never was true.

What’s a greater thought about you?  Think it!  Better yet, work towards feeling it.

Know that you are the observer and that all frequency/energy at its core is neutral. 

It was a difficult choice for me to write the parts of my book which reference the past as raw and authentically as I did because I was aware it could inspire many, but also trigger unresolved things in some.  Yet the subtlety of writing it this way was to offer a model for not sanitizing one's experiences, but releasing and transcending them through a greater recognition and wisdom.  It's never about needing to over analyze or over revisit the past.  And it is never about pain and suffering.  But to consistently back away from the energy and scenarios that represent our past is to live in fear of that frequency which will then find a way to take form and rattle our little cages in the now!  We don't change our lives or our world by sanitizing the past or cruel and challenging conditions.  We create change by gaining strength, courage, wisdom, and conviction through looking the situation (or frequency) in the eye and insisting that it does not name us.  For indeed, unless we say so, it does not.  As you know, wherever it is that we have been pales in comparison to the core of who we are today.

Love,

Sandy

www.pursuitoflight.com

I invite you to see my Videos

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ayq7YbJBYe4

I invite you to see my book review that was presented by KUSI News

San Diego

and reviewed by Anntoinette Kuritz.

 

http://www.kusi.com/news/goodmorning/15983977.html?video=YHI&t=a

 

 

 

Find A Finger, Try Not to Point It

                                                        Sandy Brewer, 4-15-08

In this current 24/7 political news-cycle world of “he said, she said” it’s amazing that we haven’t all gone mad.  But it is a perfect snapshot of a dysfunctional family/relationship, and how to abdicate personal responsibility.

Republican or Democrat, Libertarian or Independent, how we live our personal lives will reflect in our public ones.  We don’t have to be featured on MSNBC or CNN, our even any of the morning shows to have established our true values and to take personal responsibility for our choices.

If I want a relationship, I have to take responsibility – not blame – for the ways in which I have used relationships to reflect my doubts, self-esteem that is too low, arrogance that is too high, desperation which automatically disempowers.  I could always blame the other guy for my current situations; I could continue to be upset about every jerk I’ve ever dated (it couldn’t have been me, could it?); or I could go all pundit clone and relentlessly play the irritating and irresponsible “he said/she said” card.

Here are the real facts.  If you want your future to be different than your past, you have to be willing to change the way you respond to situations and circumstances in the now.  If you’ve been dating – or marrying – jerks, you have to be willing to comprehend how your choices are a mirror of your own doubts, judgments, and self-esteem.  We all have the power to choose, and we all have the power to change.

Or we could just run for political office and practice our finger pointing.

Sandy Brewer, Author, Pursuit of Light, an Extraordinary Journey

www.PursuitOfLight.com