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Question:
I am going through something tough for me, it might not sound like it but it is for me. I started working at a restaurant and that was my first ever job and by the third week I had a relationship with a man named Butch who was 29 and one of the managers and at the time I was 16, well we had been sexually involved at work... About 3 months into our relationship there were two new girls named Joy and they both love drama, well Butch knew this and he started flirting with them and they found out about him and I but he denied it and told them I was talking trash about them...which I wasn't to tell you the truth I was scared of them. Well we had been together for 7 months when I finally broke it off, the stress was too much for me to handle. My parents didn't know about this but a few of my friends did and they were always telling me to get away from him but I ignored them. My parents finally found out and they made me make a report on him and it killed me to do so. Because I felt like I was betraying him, because I wanted to be with him. I know now that he manipulated me, but I still feel bad about it and now I'm going to have to go to court over this and I want do anything to get out of it, drugs anything. I want to cut so bad but I cant because people will see. I had to see this family advocate person and she said I am repressing this incident, and I think it's true right now, except I'm still in denial about it. It's too much to explain in one setting, can you ask me questions on the things you want me to go into details with because I cant do this.
Dear Questioner,
Sixteen and seventeen are very vulnerable ages. It's that twilight zone between full adulthood and child. So, what I am going to say may be hard to hear, but I promise you, it is the truth.
"Butch" was almost twice your age when he began an illicit relationship with someone he was supposed to be mentoring and guiding at work. Instead of choosing appropriate and responsible behavior both personally and professionally, he conned you. He used his words and his charm to use you, and had no problem throwing you under the bus both with his illicit behavior and flirting with his next targets. He may still be trying to use his words to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and guilty. Please know that none of this is you fault. You were used by someone who is more than old enough to know better.
It's hard at your age -- it can be hard at any age! -- to see people as they are, not as you want them to be. This man, that part of you wants so much to protect, actually has the heart of a predator. You want to remember the moments that felt good, but you need to remember that he is undeveloped emotionally. Instead of developing personal awareness and personal responsibility, he resorted to manipulation, which by definition means he is a liar.
Please know that what you are being asked to do takes a lot of courage, and yet, I believe you have courage. If you didn't report him, you would not have been has last underage victim. In this, your moment of courage, you are doing three amazing and invaluable things: 1. you are taking a stand for you, even though it is an emotionally hard thing to do. Years from now -- especially when you have your own daughter -- you will be so proud of you for taking this stand; 2. you are protecting other girls from the infliction of pain and conflict he is so clearly willing to impose on young and vulnerable girls; and 3. by forcing him into some level of accountability, he will have the opportunity to use the experience to grow if he has the desire to do so.
You, too, can use this experience to grow, and to deepen your ability to nurture and love yourself. Difficult as it is, trust your parents on this one. Guys like "Butch" do not behave this with way with only one girl. If you do not already have a counselor and your parents can afford one, please go to a good one who can guide you through this. If finances are an issue, please check with your church, school, or community for available resources. A good school counselor can be invaluable. Hopefully, your parents can help you identify these resources.
Close your eyes for a moment and look ahead a year. Then look back and see how far you have come. See yourself no longer hurting and fully healed from this experience. See yourself strong and healthy and proud! Whatever your personal belief systems are, know that in the Mind of God -- in the Presence of all that we truly are, your success and your healing are already a done deal!
Blessings and love,
Sandy
