Question:
How do I know if there is hope for my husband, who is an alcoholic, with an anger control problem, and has threatened my life a year ago. He is trying to change on his own. But, he never would have if I wouldn't have been able to call 911 and had him put in jail (he is in Drug Court) right now,so he is out of jail with his charges remanded unless he messes up again. They charged him with "convicted felon with a firearm -he had a felony record for having 3 DUI's, kidnapping, and aggravated assault) He is randomly tested for alcohol and has to attend 3 AA meetings a week. I love him and still see the good in him, but he is still very controlling and I find it very hard to trust him.He is 40years old and I'm 45.We have been married 5 yrs. and truly happy for only 6 months, when he didn't drink at all. I have three grown children, with whom he is very jealous of. Also, they don't want to be around him for what he's done to me. I am his fourth wife. I guess I am asking if you think he might have a personality disorder that can't be changed this late in life, or should I put my faith in him once again, and give him a chance?
Dear Questioner,
My heart goes out to you -- and yes, even to your husband. I hope he finds and follows healing advice. But you are not in charge of that. He is.
What you have to do, my dear, is deal with things as they are. I have a point of view that says, "Never marry potential. Let potential develop and then marry it." You married what you hoped your husband could be or sustain, not what and how he actually is. You are letting yourself be controlled by his addiction and emotional problems. In other words, his lack of emotional healing and maturity cause him to need to control you in order for him to be okay or safe. That is a condition he may or may not choose to recognize and take care of. In the meantime, it is essential that you learn a healthier way of taking care of you. Please remember how very much you are worth your own effort.
As a minimum, you need to be in Al-Anon and CODA (Co-Dependants Anonymous). These meetings are free and you will find them valuable, in part because you will find you are not alone. If you are able to afford it, good counseling would be very beneficial. Learning how to empower yourself as a woman will change your life. If you haven't already done so, please check my website, www.PursuitOfLight.com. There are many articles and interviews available there at no cost. I also hope you have had a chance to read my book, Pursuit Of Light, An Extraordinary Journey. The purpose of the book is to demonstrate the power of choice and that no matter where we have been it pales in comparison to core of who we are today. If you cannot afford the hard cover book or the e-book, please let me know. I will see that you get the e-book.
I know that your future can be so much better than your past. This potential, however, only develops when we have the courage to make changes in our now.
With love and blessings for you always,
Sandy
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