ASK SANDY

An Ask Sandy Question

Question:

I am going through something tough for me, it might not sound like it but it is for me. I started working at a restaurant and that was my first ever job and by the third week I had a relationship with a man named Butch who was 29 and one of the managers and at the time I was 16, well we had been sexually involved at work... About 3 months into our relationship there were two new girls named Joy and they both love drama, well Butch knew this and he started flirting with them and they found out about him and I but he denied it and told them I was talking trash about them...which I wasn't to tell you the truth I was scared of them. Well we had been together for 7 months when I finally broke it off, the stress was too much for me to handle. My parents didn't know about this but a few of my friends did and they were always telling me to get away from him but I ignored them. My parents finally found out and they made me make a report on him and it killed me to do so. Because I felt like I was betraying him, because I wanted to be with him. I know now that he manipulated me, but I still feel bad about it and now I'm going to have to go to court over this and I want do anything to get out of it, drugs anything. I want to cut so bad but I cant because people will see. I had to see this family advocate person and she said I am repressing this incident, and I think it's true right now, except I'm still in denial about it. It's too much to explain in one setting, can you ask me questions on the things you want me to go into details with because I cant do this.

Dear Questioner,

Sixteen and seventeen are very vulnerable ages.  It's that twilight zone between full adulthood and child.  So, what I am going to say may be hard to hear, but I promise you, it is the truth.

"Butch" was almost twice your age when he began an illicit relationship with someone he was supposed to be mentoring and guiding at work.  Instead of choosing appropriate and responsible behavior both personally and professionally, he conned you.  He used his words and his charm to use you, and had no problem throwing you under the bus both with his illicit behavior and flirting with his next targets.  He may still be trying to use his words to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and guilty.  Please know that none of this is you fault.  You were used by someone who is more than old enough to know better. 

It's hard at your age -- it can be hard at any age! -- to see people as they are, not as you want them to be.  This man, that part of you wants so much to protect, actually has the heart of a predator.  You want to remember the moments that felt good, but you need to remember that he is undeveloped emotionally.  Instead of developing personal awareness and personal responsibility, he resorted to manipulation, which by definition means he is a liar.

Please know that what you are being asked to do takes a lot of courage, and yet, I believe you have courage.  If you didn't report him, you would not have been has last underage victim.  In this, your moment of courage, you are doing three amazing and invaluable things:  1.  you are taking a stand for you, even though it is an emotionally hard thing to do.  Years from now -- especially when you have your own daughter -- you will be so proud of you for taking this stand;  2.  you are protecting other girls from the infliction of pain and conflict he is so clearly willing to impose on young and vulnerable girls; and 3.  by forcing him into some level of accountability, he will have the opportunity to use the experience to grow if he has the desire to do so.

You, too, can use this experience to grow, and to deepen your ability to nurture and love yourself.  Difficult as it is, trust your parents on this one.  Guys like "Butch" do not behave this with way with only one girl.  If you do not already have a counselor and your parents can afford one, please go to a good one who can guide you through this.  If finances are an issue, please check with your church, school, or community for available resources.  A good school counselor can be invaluable.  Hopefully, your parents can help you identify these resources.

Close your eyes for a moment and look ahead a year.  Then look back and see how far you have come.  See yourself no longer hurting and fully healed from this experience.  See yourself strong and healthy and proud!  Whatever your personal belief systems are, know that in the Mind of God -- in the Presence of all that we truly are, your success and your healing are already a done deal!

Blessings and love,

Sandy

www.pursuitoflight.com

An Ask Sandy Question

Question:

How do I know if there is hope for my husband, who is an alcoholic, with an anger control problem, and has threatened my life a year ago. He is trying to change on his own. But, he never would have if I wouldn't have been able to call 911 and had him put in jail (he is in Drug Court) right now,so he is out of jail with his charges remanded unless he messes up again. They charged him with "convicted felon with a firearm -he had a felony record for having 3 DUI's, kidnapping, and aggravated assault) He is randomly tested for alcohol and has to attend 3 AA meetings a week. I love him and still see the good in him, but he is still very controlling and I find it very hard to trust him.He is 40years old and I'm 45.We have been married 5 yrs. and truly happy for only 6 months, when he didn't drink at all. I have three grown children, with whom he is very jealous of. Also, they don't want to be around him for what he's done to me. I am his fourth wife. I guess I am asking if you think he might have a personality disorder that can't be changed this late in life, or should I put my faith in him once again, and give him a chance?

Dear Questioner,

My heart goes out to you -- and yes, even to your husband.  I hope he finds and follows healing advice.  But you are not in charge of that.  He is. 

What you have to do, my dear, is deal with things as they are.  I have a point of view that says, "Never marry potential.  Let potential develop and then marry it."  You married what you hoped your husband could be or sustain, not what and how he actually is.  You are letting yourself be controlled by his addiction and emotional problems.  In other words, his lack of emotional healing and maturity cause him to need to control you in order for him to be okay or safe.  That is a condition he may or may not choose to recognize and take care of.   In the meantime, it is essential that you learn a healthier way of taking care of you.  Please remember how very much you are worth your own effort.

As a minimum, you need to be in Al-Anon and CODA (Co-Dependants Anonymous).  These meetings are free and you will find them valuable, in part because you will find you are not alone.  If you are able to afford it, good counseling would be very beneficial.  Learning how to empower yourself as a woman will change your life.  If you haven't already done so, please check my website, www.PursuitOfLight.com.   There are many articles and interviews available there at no cost.  I also hope you have had a chance to read my book, Pursuit Of Light, An Extraordinary Journey.  The purpose of the book is to demonstrate the power of choice and that no matter where we have been it pales in comparison to core of who we are today.  If you cannot afford the hard cover book or the e-book, please let me know.  I will see that you get the e-book.

I know that your future can be so much better than your past.  This potential, however, only develops when we have the courage to make changes in our now.

With love and blessings for you always,

Sandy

www.pursuitoflight.com

An Ask Sandy Question

Question:

Where will I meet my twin flame?

Dear Questioner,

In your heart.  All things desired come from within first.  So, your acceptance of manifesting the connection you desire, comes first from connecting with yourself and your spirit, and then manifests into form.  Remember, the principle of the quantum field, more commonly referred to today as the Law of Attraction:  That which you are seeking is seeking you.

Keep the faith, hold your intention, follow your dream.

With love and light,

Sandy 

www.pursuitoflight.com

An Ask Sandy Question

Question:

A woman took my hand and placed her arm around my waist(she made the first move)and I responded by doing the same and then going one step further by kissed her on the forehead. We have been speaking and flirting ever since. Now here is my question, I want to get to know her better and yet I am semi blocked from going any further ... how do get over this semi block and where should I take her out with the goal of building a friendship first and the usual deeping feelings left to develop at a natural pace. Please reply as quickly as you can.

Dear Questioner,

The best relationships have a strong friendship in their foundation.  My advice?   Be yourself at all times, but be willing to allow things to develop at a natural pace.  My adage always is "if you want to go farther faster, slow down."  It's the equivalent of emotional money in the bank!  Perhaps your "block" is because you're over-thinking and trying to peak around the corner to see what will happen instead of letting this budding friendship/relationship be where it is today and allowing tomorrow to reveal itself.  When creating a relationship we get to choose what we want, not who it's going to be.  The "who" has to be a mutual choice.  You are a magnet.  That which you are seeking is seeking you!  Trust that truth, relax on this one, and enjoy the ride!

May you know countless blessings of love and light,

Sandy

www.pursuitoflight.com

An Ask Sandy Question

Question:

So tell me, what do you suggest individuals who work in a "daily" hostile environment do. It is very hard to stay positive with dealing with mean arrogant people all day long. I think many individuals who read your blog can relate.
I suffered injuries to my cervical and lumbar spine on the job. Since then it has been HELL to deal with both management, my chronic pain, and co-workers who just do not relate ..... not until they too are injured."

Dear Questioner:

First of all, please accept my support for the courage and tenacity it takes to keep moving forward in difficult times.  The challenge/opportunity of being in a "daily hostile environment," is to begin by not looking for support from people and places that have demonstrated that they don't have much if any to give.  It's like consistently going to the hardware store for oranges - you're just not going to find them there.  So every time you look to your co-workers to understand what you are going through, you are actually setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.  That's where the "dance" has to shift.  You hold the power for this shift, because it will be you creating a new way of thinking that will create a new reality for you.  What you experience as their insensitivity and perhaps even cruelty, will no longer reflect who and how you are.  And I know that it's not fair, but I also know that what you are doing isn't working and is causing you more pain.  It's hard to let go of the "fair and unfair" perspective - it was hard for me to learn that - but you already have courage, and I would rather see you focus on what will work instead of what doesn't work even when it's unfair.

Don't resist that something is unfair - put it on the proverbial table - and then know that you get to choose what you want to do about it.  Make the courageous and self-loving choice to let it go.  It's okay that the hardware store isn't selling oranges this week.  There's a good chance they won't sell them next week, either.  Then look to other options for support.  Is there a pain support group in your area or on the Internet?  If finances are a challenge, do any of your local hospitals offer free pain-management classes?  It's not necessarily that you will find new answers, but you may find more compassionate companions.  Honor yourself and your journey.  Give yourself the caring support and respect you deserve.  Don't give up.  Keep checking the latest in physical therapies and alternative possibilities.  Stay abreast of integrative medicine and what they're doing re:  pain management. 

And, oh, by the way, did I mention honor yourself?  Please do so.  Yours is clearly not an easy road at this time.  Honor yourself - it's the opening to self-love.  Give this to you, keep checking for support groups, trust that the core of who you are (the Spirit of all that you are) has not abandoned you.  Surround yourself as much as possible with positive thoughts, positive books and words (even on a bad day!) and positive people.  Before you know it, you will be surrounded with baskets of oranges!

Know that you have my respect and support for healing in your body and the peace and joy you certainly deserve.

Blessings and love,

Sandy Brewer

Author Pursuit of Light, An Extraordinary Journey

www.PursuitOfLight.com

ASK SANDY

An Ask Sandy Question:

Rob writes:

Hi Sandy, I have been on a truth quest for about a year now. I have read the book and watched the video "The Secret" many, many times. I am really trying to focus on the positive of life. However, that negative seems to creep into my mind on a daily basis. I have not had much positive change happen for me. In fact, I seem more frustrated now than ever before. What advise could you give me at this point in time? Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thank you rob

Sandy Writes:

Dear Rob,

The Law of Attraction has been so in the forefront that we have, as a collective, tended to ignore the Law of Resistance.  Technically, of course, they are not laws at all, but extraordinary principles which, when applied with conscious intent, can alter the course of our lives. 

The first thing for you to know is that when a negative thought or feeling comes up, it does not mean you are doing something wrong.  If you resist the feeling, you will only intensify it, for that which you resist you will attract.

So, put the negative feeling on the table - right out there in front of God and everybody.  Do not attach a story - that will only drag you into the sludge pot of the past.   For instance, perhaps a negative feeling you have is I'm not enough, or nobody really likes me, or I never get noticed.  Acknowledge that feeling, but make it a simple, complete statement with a period.  Don't say, "Joey hasn't called me back for three days and after all that I've done for him and look how many times I've been there for him and he's got a lot of nerve... and on and on.  "I feel unimportant and that's an old feeling" - is all that you have to acknowledge. 

Once you have taken your judgment and story off the feeling, then you can say to yourself, "This feeling, this chemical reaction that I am having in my body, is not who I am.  It is just a feeling.  It's a feeling which my brain is cross-referencing with an old wound or insecurity.  Having the feeling come up does not make me wrong.  It does, however, give me an opportunity to experience the power of choice.  I get to choose whether or not this chemical reaction we call a feeling is a statement about me or not.  I get to choose a greater truth."

Then reach for a statement of truth greater than the illusion of doubt and separation.  What if you really are one with a Goodness that has no opposite?  What if your experiences do not define you, unless you say so?  What if the Light within you is so much greater than the challenging places through which you have journeyed?

You have the ability to reach out to you with compassion and kindness.  You have the ability to practice and practice until, whether you agree with yourself and your position or not, you always look at yourself through the eyes of love.  But please remember, the celebration of you does not come through the suppression of a feeling.  It comes through the recognition that the feeling simply gives you information about an old idea you are holding on to.  You have the power to redefine yourself in context of any place that you have been and to know the greatness and wonderful potential of you in the now.

Camus wrote one of my favorite quotes.  He said, "In the midst of winter I have found within me an invincible summer."  On your most challenging day, the light within you shines.  Remember it, even on the days when you can't feel it.

Blessings to you -- with love and a light heart,

Sandy

www.pursuitoflight.com

ASK SANDY

AN ASK SANDY QUESTION:

May 5, 2008 - 9:01:03 AM
Sue : Writes

I'm new to this whole self-improvement field. I've half-written my own e-book for people who suddenly find themselves disabled - from my own 15 year experience of going through disability myself - how do I know that my book will be effective? How did you know that you would have an impact on thousands of people? Thank you for your time.

Dear Sue,

Because everything actually begins as a frequency -- which initially becomes a resonance within us -- we are always broadcasting forth "seeds."  These seeds are based on our intention in the moment.  I believe your intention with your book is to offer first hand data and support to those who are having to walk in a similar pathway.  You are feeling the draw to do this from your mind and your heart, and I encourage you to follow through.  The truth is we never know exactly where our seeds will take root.  How do I know that I've had an impact on so many people?  Because as a speaker, therapist, author and advocate, I've been in the business of helping people for well over thirty years, which has allowed me the privilege of teaching and supporting others and knowing their lives have changed.

But I do not do my work for the accolades or the applause.  I do it because my heart, spirit and passion draw me to.

Follow your heart, Sue.  Hardship is not easy and is, as you know, a courageous journey.  But it also offers an opportunity to develop deep compassion, love, wisdom, and joy.  How do I know that?  Because I have lived it.  I go into the "how to's" of that journey much more deeply in my book Pursuit Of Light, An Extraordinary Journey. 

I wish you well in all things -- and in my mind, I see your e-book as a done deal!

Blessings and Light,

Sandy 

www.pursuitoflight.com

ASK SANDY

An Ask Sandy Question:

Hello! I have been in a relationship for two years. We communicate well, enjoy the same things, have great fun together....now the problem. After the first couple of months I could feel him withdrawing physically from me. He does not even like touch. If I hug him, I can feel him bracing...or cringing. He resents discussing it, but has told me that he goes through periods in his life where he totally loses his sex drive. (He is under a lot of stress with work.) He has never been a cuddly guy, and I can accept that, but this is a huge swing of the pendulum. I am an affectionate, touchy person. We are heading toward spending our lives together. Is it healthy to consider dealing with this? It feels like rejection to me, which I have great difficulty with. How do I feel attached to someone who feels more like a buddy or brother?

Dear Questioner,

While you and your partner are companionable in many ways, you definitely have a major problem here which, without intervention, should be a deal breaker.  That first blush of new love lasted only two months before your partner began to demonstrate symptoms of deeper emotional challenges which, while not necessarily about you, did and do support your feelings of unworthiness and rejection.  Your hope that you could successfully live with this situation is not well founded and is based on potentials that you want instead of a reality based look at what truly is.  That does not mean that you are not both good people, but these are serious problems that will only grow worse.  You are both carrying and reflecting baggage that makes the odds of a long-term, joyous, and successful relationship together almost nil.

Can you do anything about this?  Absolutely, provided you are both willing to (preferably with an excellent counselor) examine the problems.  There is an underlying emotional issue that causes him to withdraw, and it is an issue which predates you.  There is also undoubtedly an underlying emotional acceptance of your value that causes you to be willing to be in a situation in which you are on a regular basis being treated in a way that makes you feel untreasured.  Your self-esteem and empowerment as a woman needs some work.  Sacrificing pieces of yourself in order to hold on to a relationship is never a wise choice.  You need to reach a point where you can set healthier boundaries on what you are and are not willing to accept.  This doesn’t mean that either one of you is the “bad guy.”  But you are mirrors to each other, and some parts of those mirrors have big cracks that require repair. 

I encourage you and your boyfriend to explore ways in which you can celebrate yourselves and each other in all ways before you make any permanent commitments.

Bottom line:  Never marry potential.  Let potential develop and then marry it.  I talk about this in greater depth in my book, Pursuit of Light, An Extraordinary Journey.

Please know how much I wish you well in finding the courage to fully believe in you, to trust your ability to create a joy-filled life, and to find healthy resolution in what you need to do regarding your relationship.  Thinking it’s going to get better without joint effort, is not realistic.

There is an amazing spirit within you that is so worth you going for the “whole enchilada.”  The same is true for your partner.

With love and light,

Sandy Brewer

www.PursuitOfLight.com